Stop. H8’n Is Bad.

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Mario Lopez

Host of H8R, Mario Lopez (credit: feelny.net)

Vicki Briganti – CW50 Writer / Producer / Editor

Last Wednesday I plopped down on my couch to watch the season premiere of the CW’s new reality show, H8R. Cradled in my lap was a bowl of Betty Crocker chocolate chip cookie dough I’d just mixed up for myself.

During the next hour, as I proceeded to selectively pick out and eat each chocolate chip from the batter, it dawned on me this was an activity very much hated by the eventual recipients of the baked version of my cookies. They would receive a chocolate chip cookie nearly void of chocolate chips.

I imagined what it would sound like if my sister, Lisa, submitted a video to the H8R producers. “I hate when Vicki eats all the chocolate chips out of raw cookie dough. Doesn’t she remember she got really sick doing that when we were kids? Didn’t she learn her lesson? She ruins cookies for the rest of us!”

Mario Lopez and I would bust in on her at work at the ART Lab (Artificial Reproductive Technology) where she and her co-workers would be making people in petri dishes. I’d confront her and say, “Don’t hate, Lisa. I didn’t learn my lesson because I didn’t want to. You know I like the raw dough better than the baked cookie. U R H8ing on a sweetHRT.”

Of course, this scenario would never happen. For one, my sister doesn’t hate me. As far as I know. At least not for that. For two, I’m not a D-list celebrity like the “celebrities” on H8R. Reality “stars” such as Snooki from Jersey Shore or faux stars like Kim Kardashian. Aside from being beautiful, what is Kim’s talent exactly? She’s a marketing genius, I guess. She’s worth like $35 million. Gag, ya’ll. Is her talent making money by having no talent? You gotta love America. Have you heard? She got married and now she’s even richer.

H8R

TV To Talk About

The only real celebrity I saw on H8R was host Mario Lopez. How could anybody hate him? You just want to give him a big bear hug and grab his dimply cheeks. I said this out loud at work and caught an earful from my co-worker, Matt, who, surprise! surprise! hates Mario Lopez. Matt has hated Mario since his days on Saved by the Bell. Who knew?

Anyway, back to Snooki. Her hater on the show, Nick, says quite passionately that she’s a “drunken donkey” who makes $30,000 an episode. “Stop getting drunk on camera and misrepresenting us [Italians],” he pleads. She isn’t even Italian. Since I’m fifty percent Italian, I can speak to this: Who cares what ethnicity she is? She doesn’t offend me because she’s a poser Italian. Or because she’s a drunk. You have to hate her because she makes $30,000 per episode for HAVING NO TALENT. There are unemployed attorneys in Michigan. Engineers, scientists, teachers: Intelligent professionals with advanced degrees who are without jobs. That’s offensive.

Next up was Jake Pavelka whose claim to fame is being the Bachelor who proposed to vixen Vienna instead of someone nice like Tenley or Ali. Going on H8R didn’t fix his image. When Jake has a heart to heart with his hater, Danielle, she says, “You aren’t being real.” She left in a limo, still hating Jake.

H8R is a clever concept. The show is fun to watch and the pacing and editing are great. I just beg to see a real celebrity. Lots of people hate Angelina Jolie. I had a bad dream about her myself. Ed Norton and I were on a double date with her and Brad, and she acted like I wasn’t even there! So rude and cold. Can’t the producers book someone as famous as the Ice Queen? Can’t Jennifer Aniston go on the show as a hater? I’d love to see Jen’s video. “Um, yeah, so I hate ‘Angie.’ She’s all like ‘Hey, World, I’m such a do-gooder. If you have an extra kid you can’t afford, give me a call. Better yet, I’ll just get pregnant by my boyfriend while he’s technically still married to someone else.’”

I wanna see that episode. Not Levi Johnston, Joe Francis, or Scott Disick. Who are these people? Well, I guess someone must hate them. How many people agree with me that we’d like to see Casey Anthony or Kwame Kilpatrick on H8R?

Maybe they’ll do a segment with Barbra Streisand. My sister hates her.

>> More Motor City Musing With Vicki Briganti  

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